Unfair

The last few weeks have been nothing but horrendous at best. Not only did my family lose a member but we’ve had to deal with the chaos and selfishness of people who have no rights to act the way that they do. First of all, within 20 minutes of my brother’s passing, his future MIL and spouse starting talking about how he signed papers saying that he wanted to be buried (even though he told me last month he wanted to be cremated and my mom a week prior that he wanted to be donated to science AND that is the way we were raised knowing that burial is not necessary). He had signed some power of attorney paperwork, fine. In the mist of telling us this, her mother kept saying how her and her husband paid for this and paid for that, etc. etc. Just like they did at my wedding in front of my friends and family, no couth. After we had a few final moments with Robert at the hospice, her family started saying that they were going to her condo to look for the D214 so Robert could get into a military plot. The basically invited us all over to look through his things. Unfortunately, it was not there.
So on the next morning I called his girlfriend and told her I was contacting everyone I could so I could get a copy. I found out that it had to be requested where he enlisted, grab my mom’s friend’s truck and headed over there. In the meantime, her mother had called my mother and told her that they were headed to a lawyer and that they couldn’t wait an extra 10 minutes because we were basically not invited to the funeral planning. My husband called her mother and the excuse was because my mom had my brother’s debit card and she started packing up after he passed away. Michael tried to implore her to be understanding and asked her , “Can’t you understand that Ms. Renelle just lost a son less than 24 hours ago? And that Shaneka just lost a brother less than 24 hours ago?”. Her response was “No, I cannot.” Of course she cannot, she didn’t lose a child or a sibling at such a young age. She does not know how she would react seeing her son being put in an adult diaper and then watching him take his last breath. She was not in the room to see the blood come from his mouth as he gasped the last bit of air he could and then pass away. She doesn’t know, because it didn’t happen to her. She kept saying how she was going to pay for the funeral all bits and pieces. Eventually we got to Baton Rouge, before they got there. I had to beg to have them move the funeral to Thursday and Friday so my dad would have a chance to come since he was in Vietnam. Again, her mother kept talking about the money, the money. And was so ridiculous in her actions, pointing out , in the last 5 wishes, we have to honor his wishes. I’m sure that if he had known this was going to go down like it was, he would have said, I wish for you to get off your high horse.
They were upset about the car thing because we didn’t have a ride to Baton Rouge from NOLA, which is like an hour and a half trip one way. So obviously we couldn’t be there for any of the planning, not like they wanted us to. In fact, I kept asking if his girlfriend needed any help packing his clothes or whatnot since I was going to be going back home and not be there. That was thrown in our faces that I was rushing her, WTF? My best friend had a friend who offered to cook for a last minute wedding or whatnot, I brought my video camera and everything, but Robert passed away within an hour of me getting there. So he offered to cook for the funeral, again, turned down. He eventually cooked for our family instead.
So her mother calls my mom on Wednesday to placate like she wanted to mend fences. My mom came in the house relieved and happy that she called. Only for this lady to keep calling about the funds because they reported my brother’s card lost/stolen and couldn’t access his $2500 to pay for the funeral. My mom called to make a payment to Rabenhorst Funeral home but of course, they did not take a check by phone and did not have internet payments. Supposedly the MIL husband was going to be in Algiers that day to pick up ribbons so my mom asked her if he could swing by to pick up the check. She said she was too busy to call him. Then after 5pm, she called to ask for her to get the cash and bring it to the funeral on the next morning. Later on, she called my mom to inform her she wouldn’t be receiving the flag at the military burial. Of course, on top of all this, it crushed my mom even more.
The next day, I tried to get my mom not to sew a picture of us on her dress but that didn’t work. We got to the church, the MIL came out and started to greet, hug and kiss everyone else around us. Avoiding us intentionally, then later when my mom was standing by the coffin, waiting for my dad to get there, being that he JUST got into NOLA from Vietnam, this lady had the nerve to say, “What’s the problem?”. What’ the problem, well, my brother is dead and my dad deserves the right to see his son one last time. Oh and you have caused nothing but petty trouble. My best friend had to give this MIL the $2,500 check, which, as it stands has already been cashed ladies and gentlemen.
Friday, the military send off. My mom was a loaded gun. She told this lady that she knew what kind of Christian she was. There was a debate about the flag, the Rabenhorst guy told my husband he was a liar basically when my husband tried to tell him how my mom gave her mother the money, I gave them the $1,000 on Monday and Robert had his funds in the bank waiting for them to get it back. In the midst, the lady at Poret Hudson said that they could give out two flags, one to my mom and one to his girl. My mom was again cool and as content as a person could be who just lost a child. The Navy Color Guard presented the colors of the casket to my mom and one to his girl, who then threw a fit and started saying how my mom always go her way. Then her mother was coming in my direction to say something to me but my friend Vernice go in the middle of it and told her she wasn’t going to talk to me. So I have no idea what she was going to say but it’s probably for the best.
Unfortuantely, I’m sat at home since I quit my job. The doctor told me he had no more than a month and at first, they told my mom he was going into the Hospice and may be able to go home for term care. My mom couldn’t physically handle it and I wanted to be with Robert as much as I could. I didn’t know that it would only mean less than an hour.
My mom called me today to let me know that Rabenhorst has been instructed by the ‘buyer’ not to give us a copy of the death certificate. So the saga continues.
This family honestly thinks that because they helped Robert out that they have claim to whatever it is they want. They are so inconsiderate to our family. My inlaws have given me so much, without asking anything in return, without spreading it at our wedding or holding it against my mother like they were saints sent from heaven. They don’t realize that Robert was offered places to stay and DECLINED it because he wanted to be with his girl. No, we couldn’t offer Robert tons of money. But they don’t know why. Before Robert got sick, my mom was in an accident in 2005 or 2006 can’t remember which year but she offered Robert and I the house, he declined it. So my husband and I took it over in 2007. Then early last year, end of March/beginning of April, my mom was attacked. She was left basically to die in her house, luckily she did not but she went into the hospital. I just started a new job, no FMLA, no vacation. So I was only able to go for a week. They told us that my mom needed 24hr care after being sent home. She was denied an assistant living rehab because she was doing ‘better’ than expected. Robert at first offered to help out since he was between jobs. I was relieved and offered my brother that if he stayed, he’d be able to live in one side rent free for 5 years while he is going to school. And that once we got my mom here, he would be able to rent out a room if he wanted so he wouldn’t have to work so hard and pay attention to school. This girl he just met, like within 2 months, told him that she did not believe in Michael and my commitment to my mother and we should just put her in a home. Put her in a home, this person who is in a Charity hospital, with no insurance, no job for almost 2 years who was already in back pain, you want me to put in a home. With what money?
So instead of helping out, my brother followed his own choices. He was diagnosed shortly after, while my mom was still struggling to walk, when I saw her in June/July, she was using a cane and was still wobbly. He was offered a place to stay with her and with me as well. His response was that he was going to stay where he was and he and his girl were going to handle it.
Eventually he couldn’t work and then was put on Cobra. He unfortunately mismanaged some of his funds because who knew how hard it was to get the LTD, there are a few weeks-month lapse in getting your check, just a forewarning. He almost lost his car, so is future inlaws stepped in to help. I wish I could have offered him money but the rental house was without tenants at least 3 times last year. And I had to keep a roof over my mom’s head and our head as well. But it’s not the point. We weren’t millionaires starving my brother, we offered what we could and he wanted to be with his girl.
So here we are, dealing with this family who think that they have claim. That they were the ones who carried my brother for 9 months and had him. That they were the ones by his side when he had a hernia surgery or when his eyes were semi-corrected. This family believes that their assistance for a year and a half equates for 25 years of life. That it equals the fact that my mom took beatings from my father and had the strength to leave him. That it equals having had two jobs while going to school for an associates only to have 3 jobs from the time we were 9-16 years old. That it equals having to make sure that your kids ate first because you make just enough money not to get assistance so you have to eat after your kids eat. I guess they were also the ones to be there when my dad didn’t show up for his visitations every other weekend at McDonalds.
It must be nice to have someone in your life to raise kids the entire time you have them. It must be nice to be able to take for granted that you have a steady income and healthcare. It must be nice not to have to lean on your daughter and her husband to have a roof over your head. It must be nice to sit up in a golden chair and look down at people and be able to make judgments about who deserves what when their child dies. And OMG I know my mom is a little wacky. But she is clinically going to the crazy part of life. Not to be helped by the car accident, missing a uterus without taking hormones, and having a head injury. Don't get me wrong, she is going nuts but they are treating me the same way.
Of course, I know that my brother was embittered with the way that he grew up. He and I had different tactics in coping, I embraced the struggle and found friends who understood and would hang out at my house and he went outside and found families that seemed ‘normal’. He felt shafted because he was told to go to the military or do construction after being at home 6 months after graduation and not making a decision. I wish that I could tell him, that my mom didn’t help me with school applications, the FASFA, and remind him she never went to my college campus until the day I graduated. She couldn’t, at this point she was a laborer working swing shifts, 60 hr work weeks or 14 days on, 3 days off, whatever they did at the time. I didn’t get to tell him that mom told me I had to make a decision in July 2005 after I graduated from college about where I was going in life and that unfortunately it wasn’t in her house. But it didn’t make her a bad person for wanting us to make decisions for ourselves. And I was healthy and young. Unfortunately, my brother doesn’t get the time to make these revelations about life and how sometimes, things are what they are.
Me, my heart aches. It aches to be around Robert and to wish that we had more time with each other. I saw so much in Robert, I knew that he was going to make a great husband and a wonderful father, though he wasn’t a great housecleaner. The same things that everyone misses for a family member when they depart so early. And selfishly, I miss him for not being here for my mom and me. Not being here to be a good uncle.
I wish that I didn't have to rant but I have to get it all out so I can go on with the grieving. Tomorrow is another day and I'll just throw myself into the job search, perhaps do a bit of house construction, and maybe get lucky with an interview call or two.