Knitting in the Round, round, round

How appropriate, I've been knitting in the round all day, swimming in my thoughts. Thank goodness for monotonous knitting.

My brother is still battling cancer. And for this year, I thought that there was no way but out and up for him. For some reason, I didn't ever think that death was an option. His soon to be wife emailed me on Wednesday to let me know that she thinks that someone needs to go see him. So my mom went on Thursday. Long story short, the tumor (Burkitt-like cancer) is not shrinking and pierced his colon. He started bleeding with diarrhea and throwing up since Tuesday. As of Friday, he didn't seem to throw up or anything but they did put him back on an IV.

There was mixed messages. The GI doctor said he needed a miracle and the cancer doctor said they would fight until he (Robert) was ready to give up. The more I research this type of cancer, the more I am a bit dismayed. He was initially diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, which Burkitt-like is a form of this. There was about 6-8 months of treatment for the other cancer and the tumor seemed to go away at first, then progressively started to come back. My fear is that it has grown immune to some of the treatments and this is why it is not reacting the way that would be liked.

With all of this, I wonder for him and for myself, what are the chances? Rather, can a family have some sort of curse. Logically, I know that this is a form, rare form of cancer and it doesn't really seem to have roots in dietary or exposure, but the other, fate-believing part of me feels like this family is cursed. Either to be a slave to some sort of drug, crime, etc. or to fight hard only to stumble backwards.

My heart nearly exploded along with my temper, when my brother told my mom that my dad must not love him, he doesn't call, he doesn't care. I'm sure in some sort of way, that man does care but it isn't enough. And of course, no kid should be without the love/respect of a parent but my brother is not a bad kid. Neither of us have ever been in trouble. He went to the military, worked while in school, whatever. It's not logical, my dad, but it still hurts. And I am certain that my brother is even more in pain due to the lack of testosterone brought on by chemo.

With my mother, there is just complete and total injustice. I don't see how someone can go through this whole life on an uphill battle and then be reduced to the person she is now. Part of it is due to her accidents but the other is due to the genetic predisposition of depression and self loathing. Of course, some of those terms are way out of her realm of thought, mostly because I feel like she has just given up trying to accomplish any more. And she seems to be rounding the same turns as my grandmother who is sliding deeper into dementia as well as being an elderly person amongst idiots who think that over-prescribing the old is the way to go.

People love to say that you are only given what you can handle. Sometimes the load seems unfair.

All of this dysfunction and mania has happened since I started my new job (well my mom's last accident & Robert's cancer) and I feel like a complainer or a liar when I have to tell my boss that something new and worse is going on. Blah..

I have about 3 more inches on my blouse. To knit in the round. I have go to double check what I have packed.